My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
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Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: …
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Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.