My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
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I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
My brain is a bad influence on me
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?