My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.

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fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms


God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*

Adam: That’s a weird way to make people

God: Lol wait till you see how she does it


Knee socks are a hard look to pull off when you’re only 5’2. I don’t even have legs


FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?

ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.


Sex is great and all, but have you ever dressed up like a clown and jumped out of your neighbor’s trash can at 6am?


I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!


Three seconds into a three way:

We need to hurry this up. I have to poop