My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
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Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat