@Dad_At_Law

My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.

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@I_am_carbs

fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms

@roboticcrab

God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*

Adam: That’s a weird way to make people

God: Lol wait till you see how she does it

@WinterRae82

Knee socks are a hard look to pull off when you’re only 5’2. I don’t even have legs

@roxiqt

FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?

ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.

@squirrel74wkgn

Sex is great and all, but have you ever dressed up like a clown and jumped out of your neighbor’s trash can at 6am?

@TexasHickspanic

I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!

@10kbabyspiders

Three seconds into a three way:

We need to hurry this up. I have to poop