My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
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I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Happy birthday to all the women
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Mountain Goat : )
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked