My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
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[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.