My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
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Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.