My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
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Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
when revenge coincides with naptime
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you