My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
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WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
But wait…
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
dam girl
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start