@Parkerlawyer

My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

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@kumailn

It’s fine to eat chicken with skin but serve beef with skin and everybody just starts freaking out.

@rolldiggity

“And if you look out to the left, you’ll miss everything to the right. Remember, every choice is also a loss.” – Me as a tour guide

@bobvulfov

NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show

@jellybnbonanza

When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, thatโ€™s good, right?

@BobLoblaw143637

Lying on my bed struggling to squeeze into jeans

The dog comes in to show emotional support

… followed by the cat,
who came to judge.

@djdarrellripley

Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.

Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.

@TravLeBlanc

I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.

@DrBacos

Shoutout to my Cold War reenactment group! We’re just a bunch of chill white guys, sitting at a table, acting stressed about the USSR.

@behindyourback

the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”