My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

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It’s fine to eat chicken with skin but serve beef with skin and everybody just starts freaking out.


“And if you look out to the left, you’ll miss everything to the right. Remember, every choice is also a loss.” – Me as a tour guide


NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show


When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, thatโ€™s good, right?


Lying on my bed struggling to squeeze into jeans

The dog comes in to show emotional support

… followed by the cat,
who came to judge.


Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.

Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.


I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.


Shoutout to my Cold War reenactment group! We’re just a bunch of chill white guys, sitting at a table, acting stressed about the USSR.


the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”