My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
You Might Also Like
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.