My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
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Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
mmm onion ringos
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”