My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
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recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Real 😅
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.