My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
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Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.