My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
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The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Sex so good you see dead people.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
The Friday File.
I’d hang this in my house.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*