Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
My kids are 23 and 13 and they still argue about who is my favorite. Warms my heart.
Too bad it’s neither of them.
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I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Yesterday I extinguished a colleague’s cigarette at the office with a water pistol.
Adds firefighter to resume
I AM SMILING BRENDA DAMN, JUST TAKE THE PIC.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.