I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
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welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
The first matador
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*