(Disney Dating Tips)
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
-Beauty & the Beast
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
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My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
I told my wife that I married my best friend and she smiled and kissed me on the forehead. To be honest, I was surprised that she was so cool about being in a polygamous marriage with my best friend Frank.
Never trust a psychic wearing a band-aid, they should have seen that shit coming.
Dropped a gorilla into my apartment so I could shoot my roommate
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.