My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

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A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?


Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus


Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.


You don’t see enough ditches these days. If I want to pass out in a ditch I have to google “ditches near me” and look for one with good reviews and it’s a whole thing


6 made coffee for me this morning, I’m now thinking that she can never move out of the house


I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense


An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car


It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.


I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience