@sofarrsogud

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

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@Social_Mime

A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?

@TheZachCozad

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

@BoomBoomBetty

Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

@TragicAllyHere

You don’t see enough ditches these days. If I want to pass out in a ditch I have to google “ditches near me” and look for one with good reviews and it’s a whole thing

@jdforshort

6 made coffee for me this morning, I’m now thinking that she can never move out of the house

@behindyourback

I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense

@PJTLynch

An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car

@Ristolable

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.

@shujaxhaider

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience