@sofarrsogud

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

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@EllaZee5

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

@Viv_Ascious

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

@Lisabug74

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

@Seinfeld2000

Do me a faver?

Look at any object near you

k

now imagen its a diferent thing

how was youre experience?

i imagened pencil is baseball

@ThatBrenna

People are like snowflakes. When they pile up on my car windshield, it’s difficult to drive.

@MunkMania

I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.

@julcasagrande

You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three

@DirtMcTurd

This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet

@3BlindMike

The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.

@Prof_Hinkley

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it