My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

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who decided that skeletons are scary bc honestly i’d be more scared if the muscular system suddenly walked into my room


At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.


ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich


7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified

7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials


Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here


[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!


Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly


I was working in the yard.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.

I hit it with a shovel.

I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead


6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you