My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
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If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}