My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

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Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this


Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.


I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.


Do me a faver?

Look at any object near you


now imagen its a diferent thing

how was youre experience?

i imagened pencil is baseball


People are like snowflakes. When they pile up on my car windshield, it’s difficult to drive.


I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.


You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three


This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet


The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.


[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it