@sofarrsogud

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

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@Wobbuu

who decided that skeletons are scary bc honestly i’d be more scared if the muscular system suddenly walked into my room

@TheAlexNevil

At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.

@ClichedOut

ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich

@ItsDanSheehan

7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified

7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials

@JeffisTallguy

Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here

@withanewname

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!

@crocodilethumbs

Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly

@XplodingUnicorn

I was working in the yard.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.

I hit it with a shovel.

I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead

@DirtMcTurd

6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you