My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

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(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast


My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.

Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.


Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull


Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver

Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud


I told my wife that I married my best friend and she smiled and kissed me on the forehead. To be honest, I was surprised that she was so cool about being in a polygamous marriage with my best friend Frank.


Never trust a psychic wearing a band-aid, they should have seen that shit coming.


Dropped a gorilla into my apartment so I could shoot my roommate


Superman’s Google searches:

“Strongest hero”

“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”

“Fastest hero”

“Fastest hero. Not Flash”

“Phone booth for sale”


Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.