My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
You Might Also Like
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”