My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
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me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard