My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
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Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”