my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
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MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I’ve been drinking.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”