first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
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World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.