@KamaroPayne

My kids are gone for the WHOLE day. nnI miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.

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@VickieIronStone

Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.

@difficultpatty

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

@heymonroe

*notices girl singing song that’s on in coffee shop*
Me: You’re a Cher fan too!?
Her: Hold on
*takes off bluetooth*
Her: What?
*dies alone*

@TheDoorTHEDOOR

An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.

@whalefern

the crucial 4th ice cream bowl was lost at some point, forever altering the vibe

@BlakWidowBarbee

Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty evil looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.

@HousewifeOfHell

Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.

@birbigs

if aliens show up and they’re nice, we’ll take them captive. and if they’re mean, they’ll take us captive. anyway, happy thanksgiving.

@NicCageMatch

No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping

@heidiknits

Just had a 9 minute argument with The Boy over why he needs to change his underwear this morning.

Don’t forget your birth control, friends.