Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day. nnI miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
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Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
*notices girl singing song that’s on in coffee shop*
Me: You’re a Cher fan too!?
Her: Hold on
*takes off bluetooth*
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
the crucial 4th ice cream bowl was lost at some point, forever altering the vibe
Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty evil looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
if aliens show up and they’re nice, we’ll take them captive. and if they’re mean, they’ll take us captive. anyway, happy thanksgiving.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Just had a 9 minute argument with The Boy over why he needs to change his underwear this morning.
Don’t forget your birth control, friends.