STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
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Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
doing some research
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
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I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.