My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
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My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.