My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
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“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
No, YOUR illiterate.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Two types of dogs.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.