[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
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[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar