My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

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My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair


imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck


You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.


Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.


My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions


I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out


For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.


I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.


Just realised someone was flirting with me, 7 years ago.


Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.