@FilthyRichmond

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

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@heysarahsweeney

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

@Shen_the_Bird

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

@Marcmywords2

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.

@Quartzjixler

Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.

@GrantTanaka

My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions

@dumbbeezie

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

@MomOfTeen

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

@Ndeshi_M

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

@AdamMoad

Just realised someone was flirting with me, 7 years ago.

@JakeSocial

Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.