My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

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So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.


First time drinking whiskey.

Barman: And this one is 15 years old.

Me: Do you have any fresh ones?


My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.


5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?

Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.

Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.


Bro i hate when babies start acting brand new like mf it’s me, i just saw you last week and we were best friends don’t do this to me


Bank Robber: Everybody get down!

Friend: What are you doing?!

Me: *sitting down and pulling a bag of almonds out of my purse* Panic picnic.


PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?


*The Terminator opens a fortune cookie.
“It is ok to kill many people. Many killings are coming your way.”
John: I know it doesn’t say that.


She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.

I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.

I can’t wheat to see her!

I’m in loaf.