My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
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dam girl
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do