My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
You Might Also Like
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Hello Twits.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.