My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
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Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Strangers have the best candy.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.