My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
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Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
This took me a second..
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper