My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device in Florida.
I call it “No air conditioning”.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
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[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
ME: Hi I’d like to check my balance
BANK TELLER: *shoves me*
If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.