@KalvinMacleod

My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.

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@Coastiefish

My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device in Florida.

I call it “No air conditioning”.

@chuuew

[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?

@LlamaInaTux

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

@CoreyKeyz

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.

@iGreenMonk

If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.

@ThePocketJustin

Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.

Me:He was much better at fighting than me.

Police:Ok is there anything else?

@ShawnIzadi

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.