My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
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Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
“What movie?” 🤔
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Nice try, NASA
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.