My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
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They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
kitchen magnet