My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.

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Sometimes you feel like you’ve grown. Other times you pout for a few hours because your wife accidentally threw away your Tabasco sauce.


Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.


“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR


What if Snow White just pretended to be asleep so she didn’t have to clean up after little people anymore? Because that I totally get.


Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.


“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect


[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations


My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.


Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes


[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun