Sometimes you feel like you’ve grown. Other times you pout for a few hours because your wife accidentally threw away your Tabasco sauce.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
You Might Also Like
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
What if Snow White just pretended to be asleep so she didn’t have to clean up after little people anymore? Because that I totally get.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
*pulls gun out of bible
*pulls smaller bible out of gun