@MarioInAZ

My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.

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@sammyrhodes

Sometimes you feel like you’ve grown. Other times you pout for a few hours because your wife accidentally threw away your Tabasco sauce.

@Social_Mime

Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.

@CornOnTheGoblin

“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR

@cray_at_home_ma

What if Snow White just pretended to be asleep so she didn’t have to clean up after little people anymore? Because that I totally get.

@MommaUnfiltered

Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.

@UnFitz

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect

@PaperWash

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

@TheBeerGuy73

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

@hansabumsadaisy

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@ChrisScarlette

[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun