My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
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dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
ouch
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
2 years later
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches