My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
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My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
i’m laughing very hard in real life
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.