My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
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therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
We’re all getting idioter.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.