My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
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I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Is this a threat?
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.