My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.

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Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.


3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!

Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.

*fuzz moves*



Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.


Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.


so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.


Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?

It’s a hole series.


“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application


Remember when we spent an entire year learning cursive? That’s why the other countries are winning.