Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
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3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Remember when we spent an entire year learning cursive? That’s why the other countries are winning.
Just went to an emotional wedding.
Even the cake was in tiers.