My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
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Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
I feel seen.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
what kind of cook setting is this??