My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
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waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
But I really needed water water water
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful