My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS

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Me: Why is your face so cold??

Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.


*puts sunglasses on a watermelon*

*punches watermelon*


*slams hands down*



When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.


When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.


If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?


If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.


Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV


*watching tv

Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”

Wife: (turns off wedding video)


I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.


A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.