My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
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If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
“How’s your day going?”