My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
You Might Also Like
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?