@mommajessiec

My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.

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@Fickle_Filly

It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.

@iinkedZombie

Me: I don’t feel like driving home.

5: I’ll drive.

Me: You’re not old enough yet.

5: and my feet won’t reach the pedals.

Me: And that.

@Sickayduh

I’m gonna strap a snowblower on my roof and start driving south. When someone asks me what it is, that’s where I’m gonna live.

@Zach_Wallen

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

@yoyoha

Father’s Day was probably an awkward day in the Jesus household

@TedOfficialPage

If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”

@tomipuff

I would like a warm hound please
“Excuse me?”
A flaming puppy
“…”
Fire canine
“Do you want a hot dog, ma’am?”
Yes. A scorching pooch

@thenamesmikeG

The weirdest thing just happened. I had Cancer, then 15 people on Facebook were brave enough to change their statuses, & now I’m cured.

@KevinFarzad

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing