My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
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This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
The glory of fall.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.