My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
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I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no