My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
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Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Thrilling chase underway
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
The cake is mightier than the sword.