My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
You Might Also Like
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
✌🏽
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)