@dshack8

My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.

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@MariyaAlexander

I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.

@UncleDuke1969

[restaurant]

DATE: [clears throat]

ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?

@andrew_durso

stand-up is an industry built around pretending they make you say the italian words at starbucks. every time i’ve asked for a “medium coffee” they just give it to me. not once has the exhausted teen behind the counter ever been like “no say the italian word.”

@anagramps

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

@HenpeckedHal

professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

@MartinPilgrim1

A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.

@sadvil

so crazy that kids born in 18 will be turning 2000 this year

@TheAlexP

I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney

@Jandalize

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.