I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
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DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
stand-up is an industry built around pretending they make you say the italian words at starbucks. every time i’ve asked for a “medium coffee” they just give it to me. not once has the exhausted teen behind the counter ever been like “no say the italian word.”
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
so crazy that kids born in 18 will be turning 2000 this year
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.