My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
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KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
as is their right
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”