@aotakeo

my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?

me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town

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@sarcasticmommy4

Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.

@UnFitz

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

@BuckyIsotope

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[working from home]

8:00am: wake up

8:30am: eat cereal

8:30-noon: can’t remember

noon: open laptop

noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”

12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up

12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up

1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp

@sips_whiskey

If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.

@chrisdelia

I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…

Stewardess – Are you a comedian?

Me – Yes

Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”

@GlennyRodge

A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.

@TheIronSherk

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

@Birdhumms

I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.

@PascalSloths

Petting my dog with a spatula cause I’m too lazy to reach and he is too lazy to move closer

Why is there a spatula in my room?