Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
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I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Petting my dog with a spatula cause I’m too lazy to reach and he is too lazy to move closer
Why is there a spatula in my room?