my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
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I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I need to update my racial profile.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I can fix him.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
me when I see my crush